This is a poem I wrote... could you give your comments?

I wrote this poem for a friend... I'd love to hear any comments, thx! :)

Why Suicide?

Don閳ユ獩 scare me, brother.

With those careless words you whisper.

閳ユause you know that I care.

But you won閳ユ獩 take my hand.

Idiot.

Brother, I閳ユ獫e seen the scars.

Why chain yourself up, lock yourself in bars.

It閳ユ獨 still there, isn閳ユ獩 it?

On your arm.

Fool.

Many times I couldn閳ユ獩 be sure.

What was so terrible you had to endure.

That made you think that way.

I still don閳ユ獩 really know.

Moron.

Why can I only look from the stars?

I ain閳ユ獩 from Venus and you ain閳ユ獩 from Mars.

You know how I worry.

Can閳ユ獩 we talk?

Silly.

Suicide isn閳ユ獩 a solution.

Brother, don閳ユ獩 simply feel the desolation.

Don閳ユ獩 you dare die.

You閳ユ獓 make me cry.

Why Suicide?

This is a poem I wrote... could you give your comments?

i had to read it a couple of times, but yeah!! it's good, and i think the names your calling your friend after each verse, only goes to show what such good friends you must be, and that YOU know your friend will understand.

This is a poem I wrote... could you give your comments?

The poem itself shows a little merit but I don't think your friend (if he is the suicidal one) would find any comfort in being referred to in derogatory terms like idiot, fool or moron.

This is a poem I wrote... could you give your comments?

That is good, seriously you could just feel the care coming from it. Have you read it to your friend?

This is a poem I wrote... could you give your comments?

I think you are saying that you did to try to get your friend to listen and the names are almost endearments. Almost like oh you dummy of course I love you but your friend never heard you and now you feel so bad but your intention was not to hurt but to tease out the blackness in your friends soul and somehow you feel guilty. Just remember it was always your friends choice not yours. You did your best.

This is a poem I wrote... could you give your comments?

That's a pretty good poem with a lot of passion in it to really portray your meaning to the reader.

HOWEVER, when you have some of the rhyming lines, I didn't count your syllable arrangement, but just make sure that if you are rhyming, you count the syllables of each line. That way, if the syllables in both lines are the sam or 1 off, the poem flows alot better. It's just to prevent having like a 2 word line rhyme with a 10 word line, do you get what I mean??

But you really used a lot of voice when you used the words "Idiot, moron, etc" because it shows your passion on the topic and what you really want the reader to feel. I think that really made the poem stand out and be really unique.

Great job, I think that your reader will understand your message and make them think a little bit!! Keep writing!!